MAC - Month 11 - WK1 Reading – Obtaining a black belt

Reading the opening chapters of “The Art of Possibility” by Rosamund & Benjamin Zander, I am reminded of two lessons taught to me by my sensei, Kurt Sussman. This past August I was to test for my black belt in the Tang So Doo style through the Blackhawk Martial Arts system. It had been six years since I had set out on the journey to pursue the rank, yet as the test drew closer I began to feel less and less like I was ready. When I began my training in this style, I had a preconceived notion of the skill level that I would be at by the time I was ready to test for black belt. A commitment to my schoolwork and maintaining life’s other responsibilities did not lend time for the hours of daily martial arts training I thought were required to wear this symbol around my waist. As the test date grew closer, I continually tortured myself with thoughts like, “I am not practicing enough”, “I should be able to perform this form better than I am”, and “I am not good enough”. Taking on this mindset, training would leave me aggravated to the point of hopelessness. I would never be the black belt I thought I could be.

After the four-hour test, I was told to sit and explain how I felt the test went. I went into a self-analysis of my weaknesses in hand-range, where I had bobbled in the forms, and why I felt weak for not being able to quit smoking to be in better cardio-vascular health. By my own account, I didn’t earn it for all of these reasons. As my sensei presented me with the belt, he told me that regardless of my performance during the test I would have been leaving the test that day with a black belt. I was somewhat astonished at this statement. He went on to explain that this test was as much a reflection on him as it was on me. If I were not at the proper skill level by test time, it would mean that he was not doing his job as the instructor. He said, “Your perceptions of reality are not reality itself, only your limited viewpoint of it. You do not see your growth as I have seen your growth.”

I realized then that I had spent a lot of time and energy on thinking that I was not a worthy candidate, instead of focusing on how far I had come and how amazing it was to be able to participate at all in something I wanted to do my entire life. Looking at myself with the critical eye of comparison to others that hold the rank only made me feel less than adequate. The test wasn’t about the juxtaposition of how I compared to every other martial artist, but of my personal growth throughout the entire time I had been training. It was simply a statement of who I was at that moment. It was more important that I knew myself, and could see my strengths and weaknesses without validation. If I could honestly evaluate myself, and my position in relation to my goals, I would have a roadmap to get to where I wanted to be.

Weeks after the test I had fallen into another slump. The completion of this task didn’t seem to change my life the way I assumed it would. In many ways I thought, “When I am a black belt all these other problems will go away, I will be confident, and able to take on anything”. However, nothing really changed. I didn’t feel like the all-powerful black belt that I should have been. I found that I was happier in the pursuit of being a black belt than I was in achieving it. Now that I was a black belt, I would have to start all over again, being graded on a different scale. Presenting my quandary to my sensei, his response was that it wasn’t about the destination, but the road to that destination that gives us happiness. A flower doesn’t think about being in bloom, it just grows towards the sun. These were both lessons that will stay with me forever. Pursue perfection, but know that you will never be perfect, and all that matters is that we grow. This seemed to be the overall message of the beginning of book, remove us from our personal measurement system and anything is possible.